I haven’t written in a long while. I haven’t blogged in an even longer while. As I return I have some confessions:

For most of my life I have been a person who proclaims the truth that being a missionary isn’t something you can only do in a foreign place and, simultaneously, a person who doesn’t think like a missionary when I’m not abroad. Many are the hours that I feel the call to serve St. Pete, few are the moments I’ve answered that call. For most of the past 2 months I’ve been comparing myself in my head to Jonah. Knowing that I am running from Jehovah’s call for this time and feeling as if a gigantic fish is going to swallow me up. I’ve been told by multiple people that I have symptoms of anxiety and I have brushed them off. I realize now that I am anxious as I wait for my whale. The stress in my back and shoulders is unbearable, the feeling of sin waiting outside my door (even my bedroom door) is paralytic, the constant whispers of satan’s thugs are penetrating into and perpetuating my most fleeting thoughts, and I won’t take it anymore.

There are enormous flaws in the ways I view my relationship with God through Jesus. The more I think about what I can do for God, the less I think about what He did for me, and so the glory given to God when I DO things “for Him” are decayed (because I’m really doing those things for myself). I will pray daily to increase God’s glory and decrease the amount of thought I put on myself, in every aspect of my life. I will allow grace to take what it pleases and give what it wills.

That’s what I got. I’m committing to serve where I am, give where I am, and live where I am; instead of in the future that I thought I already had. For HIS glory.

There have been mudslides in Los Anonos and San Antonio, barrios in Escazu. For the past few days we’ve been bringing food to a feeding center in Los Anonos where we have been serving food to people while they are salvaging their belongings and the parts of their house they are trying to take with them. Los Anonos is a community comprised mostly of squatters, an area that the government has been trying to clear for a long time, because of it’s location right on a bend in the river, they flooding of Los Anonos has been disastrous. The water rose at least 20 feet in some parts and still had enough force behind it to knock down structures. Plots of land where there were once houses have been completely washed away in the river. The last estimate I heard was 22 dead. We have been taking the guys in the center down to Los Anonos to help. They have been very helpful not only in helping people move their things, but we have also seen them praying for families and individuals. There is still a lot to be done here. We have relationships with some families in Tiribi (the area of La Aurora nearest to the river) that need clothes and food because they lost so much during the flooding. To be honest I don’t know what our next step is, but I am sure that God is guiding our efforts and that if you can help it would be truly appreciated. We can always use financial support and if you’d like to give online you can do so here. Please pray for guidance, safety, and hope as these families try to rebuild or relocate.

We got a desk in our room finally. Which means I’m sitting at a desk for the first time in a while. Don’t really have much to say. Had to kick another guy out of the center the other day for smoking weed and failing a drug test. So we’re down to four now. Here are some thoughts I’ve had recently:

Concerning physical war: isn’t coming to the conclusion of war a lot like saying that in order to solve a problem certain people have to be killed? Is it ok to say that people need to die? Is this love? Or does love provide a better way?

Carrying deadly weapons: I haven’t ever had a problem with this. But now I think I do. This situation is very similar to war I think. If I’m carrying a concealed deadly weapon (and we all know the ones I mean, a pocket knife is good for other things than killing people, a pistol, however, is a little less utilitarian. In the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd “Ain’t no good for nothing but put a man six feet in a hole”) have I not already started to hierarchically categorize the value of human life? Like this: “If someone attacks a stranger, I may pull my gun, depends on the situation. If someone attacks me, I’ll probably pull my gun as a last resort (‘cause I’m a real man). But if someone attacks my mother, sister, daughter, wife, I’m pulling that trigger faster than I can say, ‘Love your neighbor.’ ” Is this ok? I don’t know. Wouldn’t love rather be taken advantage of? Wouldn’t love show meekness?

Socialism (again, sorry): I’ll concede that it’s impossible to ensure worldwide temporal equality, probably even national temporal equality. But since it’s impossible on a large scale does that mean that it’s not worth trying within a community? I don’t think it’s impossible on a small scale. On the other side of that thought is this one, is it even important anymore to strive for temporal/monetary equality on any scale? People are different from each other, we are going to behave differently. Is there any way that any one man can be equal to another? I am different from everyone in my tax bracket, my neighborhood, my state (this is why representative democracy doesn’t work). To achieve real equality, we don’t have to destroy all the social, or other, differences among people; this is an impossibility. What we have to do is altogether rise above the differences, as followers of a better Way. We don’t need to focus on bringing the poor up to the middle class or the wealthy down to the middle (even more so; we don’t need to bring the so called “third world” countries up to the “developed” world or bring the super powers into a more restricted governance), for these differences concern the secular world. And this world has already been defeated, John 16:33.

Nothing on the schedule today, except to hopefully go out to eat with Spencer at a restaurant that offers a 1/2 pound hamburger.

First Refugio blog post. We’ll be trying to keep everybody more informed on the happenings of the Refugio. Follow 68refugio.tumblr.com 

Team got here late last night because of flight delays, they’re coming to the house at 9 to hangout. Let’s do this!

Whenever Jehovah opens a door for me and I am bold enough to walk through it, I see the wonderful things He can do and I’m always convicted about all the open doors I’ve slammed shut or walked away from. How come when I have time to reflect on what Jehovah has done in my life and the things I’ve seen him do in others I instead choose to use that time on myself and forget what He has done for me and through me?

Praise the Lord oh my soul and never forget all the good he has done.

Psalm 103:2

Why am I still surprised when God does cool stuff?

The accoutrements in Beauty and the Beast make service seem so easy. I’ve learned here that service is not just offering a service, but being prepared to give anything for which you are asked. Jesus tells us to love people. And Jehovah gives us the greatest example of love by always providing what we need, whether it be sustenance, correction, encouragement, rebuke, or wisdom. But we can’t tell what people need. We know people need love, we know people need food and water. But what do we do for the rest of it? Can we reason to figure out what our friends need? Maybe. Will we be right? Probably not. Which means we have to trust, which is super difficult for me. It means we have to first trust the Spirit of God. We have to believe that the Spirit is moving among us as believers and we have to believe that God knows what our friends need (1 Corinthians 2:10-12). And second it means that we have to trust people, the people we are serving. Over and over I am reminded (convicted) that I need to give WHATEVER to WHOEVER asks (Matthe 5:38-42) and that if I don’t do this the love of Jehovah is not seen in my life (1 John 3:17). This is so difficult in so many situations. It is very difficult to give money for the bus to a man that I know has lost his house and family because he squandered away his money on drugs. It is not easy to give encouragement to people that constantly insult others. It is difficult to give my attention to someone who is constantly lying to me. But this is what they ask for, our attention, our gifts, our support.

It is very humbling for me to give people what they don’t deserve. It is a feeling I have never felt before. Now I know that this is what it feels like to serve Jehovah. It is very uncomfortable, down right painful sometimes. And I pray right now that I would never settle for anything else. Because in the end: “Life is so unnerving for a servant who’s not serving.” We’re not whole without a soul to wait upon.

It’s been a tough couple of days for me. I have felt really taken advantage of, and I have never had that feeling to this degree before. It’s really eye opening for me because I’ve always thought about living totally surrendered, and I talked like I was and many people warned me that when you live totally surrendered to the will of God, people will take advantage of you. I always thought that I was living totally surrendered. But today I realized that I never have.

The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.

John 15:19

I have thought that I was well separated from the world. That I had agreed to be set apart and consecrated to Jehovah alone. But now I realize that I never gave enough. But now I realize that I have only just begun to separate myself from the world. That I have only recently started to believe that there is no value in this world. And that is why today I feel taken advantage of. I realize that I should expect to feel this way, Jesus says almost a million times that everyone will hate me, but knowing and feeling are two very different actions.

So, this morning at church I was really down and we sang the song, “Trading my Sorrows” (but in Spanish) and the words really hit me. Here they are:

I’m trading my sorrow
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I had never even heard anything in these words before, I had just been singing them in vain. Today, I really connected with this song. Persecution will come. Situations press upon us. We get struck down. And if I were doing this for any selfish motivation, my strength would be sucked out like the last sip of a Slurpee. But we have the ability to get our strength from another source than our selfish desires. We have access to the most powerful force in all creation. And when I feel sorrow, pain, sickness, shame, I can trade that in for the joy that only Jesus can give.

Tonight I need to talk about one of the many things I don’t understand. Let it be known that usually when I start a blog post, I know how it is going to end, but this is a different case. Tonight I am reminded that I cannot for one second understand Life. 

In my current personal worldview I can see 2 powers apparent enough to be mentioned. The most powerful is Jehovah god and the other is Satan. And I feel that I pretty much understand that Jehovah does good things and Satan does evil ones. I can see that in my life and throughout scripture. But then comes a night like tonight when I am reminded of a third force to which I can assign no name other than Life. Tonight I could feel Jehovah moving and I could also see Satan moving in the house. I could see victory in some of my brothers and I could see lies being heard and believed by others. The victory I can ascribe only to Jehovah and the lies only to Satan. All day I was oblivious to the third power. I knew nothing about where it was moving, what it was doing, or the motives behind its actions. But it was doing something. This evening I was smacked right in the face with this third force, Life came to me unexpectedly and suckerpunched me straight in the kidneys. It’s very difficult for me to understand, because I cannot discern evil from good in this instance. In this occurrence I can find no fingerprints of the Mighty One or of the evil one. The only thing I know is that it made me feel bad. It made me regret decisions I had made in the past and it discouraged me. After admitting these feelings, I would usually ascribe this action to Satan, the great discourager. But when I reassess the situation I realize that it is very hard for me to believe that the person from whom this suckerpunch came is being used as an instrument of Satan. Because I know that my struggle, like yours, is with spiritual forces and not against physical beings I cannot determine if this is from Jehovah or from the evil one. It is very hard for me to ascribe this happening to Jehovah because it is very discouraging to me, and I cannot recall a single occurrence of being discouraged by Jehovah (though all things are possible for Him). 

So to whom do we attribute such actions? Many people would say, “That’s life.” or “It happens.” or “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” I think that all these are true, with the addition of the saying “Life is not fair.” Because with Jehovah god, you always know that you’re going to get: something that works out for good (Romans 8:28). We cannot say “Jehovah is not fair.” can we? He has proven just in many situations. And we cannot claim that we don’t know what we’re going to get with Satan either, he always works toward an evil end (if he didn’t his “kingdom” would fall, Matthew 12:24-31). I am claiming to have no answers in this matter. Only questions. Is it possible for something to be spiritually neutral? Does every occurrence in this world have an inherent positivity or negativity? Are some things “just life”?

I have no clue.

I have been Lazarus and I have been Martha. Today I was Martha. 

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” 

- John 11:39

  When people have been “living” in the death that is our sinful nature, they produce a very offensive odor. We’ve all had to rid ourselves of these odors. My personal sinful body odor, or S.B.O if you prefer, is usually arrogance, pride, and more arrogance. Today I had to deal with the most offensive odors I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Selfishness is an odor that is just so pungent that I can smell it from a mile away. From the moment words come out of your mouth, if there is a slight hint of that selfish aroma in my nostrils you might as well be talking to a brick wall. No scent makes me want to give up on someone more than the scent of selfishness.

But then I am reminded of what Jesus said to Martha when she complained about the odors she would have to endure when she was helping raise someone from the dead.

“Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”

If we really want to see the glory of God, we’ll have to plug our noses and dive right into the stench; into the responsibility of others’ selfish behavior, into the stolen advantages of living surrendered to Jehovah, into the pit that is spiritual warfare. 

And when I can really do that, I’ll be able to see my brothers rise from the dead and throw away their grave clothes and walk with them right back into the stench.